Lifestyle

I’m evolving

Hi everyone. Thanks for sticking around. I’ve been a bit off with this blog for a while now and haven’t had the drive to write regularly. I’ve recently founded a new project and website called Finding Your Serenity. This is a passion project for me as I will be giving out free guides and worksheets, which I am excited about. There’s also a blog section! I am also asking for content from other people with the same vision I have so if you are interested in producing something for my site then please let me know and I can promote your blog/site alongside it. I feel sad to let this website go. I have changed the domain and I have disabled the email address and can be contacted on sarahnityxo@gmail.com if anyone wishes to.

Links to my new stuff:

Website

If you wish to, there is a subscription to the mailbox at the bottom of the webpage. 1-2 emails per month detailing blog posts and free ebooks, guides and worksheets for anyone wanting more inner peace and positivity in their life. Also for anyone interested in personal growth and getting the life you want.

Instagram

Youtube

If you have a story of ‘finding your serenity,’ a passion for life, how you came to live the life you are or are just good at writing articles then please contact me using the contact form on my new website and we can hopefully help each other out.

That’s it. Here I am signing off. Perhaps this won’t be the end. Thanks for your support during this period of my life. Onto the next one I go.

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Lifestyle

How to live happy and fulfilled

It’s 6.30 am and it’s time I welcomed myself back to the art of writing here on my blog. It has taken a social media break to make this happen so I may just have to do this more often. Giving myself more time has made me realise how I actually want to spend it. My heart wants me to write just as much as a dancer’s limbs wish for them to twirl. Everyone has a favourite output for their creativity and everyone is a creator. Everyone creates their own life from within them after all, whether they see it as magical, poisonous, somewhere in between or a little of both. It’s all beautiful to me. The little bird that tweets it’s morning song can be extremely annoying or it can be the most wonderful thing in the world. Whatever we see is a reflection of our inner world and our spirit. When we are hurt from the past, it shows up in the way we view the world. When we are worried about the future, it also shows. Both give us clues, some subtle, some right in front of us and if we ignore the subtleties we often find that they come back fiercer than ever and leave us miserable until we do something about them. These are showing up just as a physical ailment does and they are trying to get us to listen and act in order to heal.

However, when we are fully present with ourselves, we sit with all of our feelings whether uncomfortable or not, and accept them. This is the basis of meditation, for me anyway. Meditation helps me accept everything in that moment. I suppress feelings a lot, as it’s not very professional to burst out crying at work when someone has touched a nerve. I’m highly sensitive and get overwhelmed easily and hide that too – it’s just something I’ve done since a young age. Somewhere someone let me think that crying is something I should hide. Meditation allows me to bring those feelings back into focus instead of distracting myself constantly. When I meditate in the morning I carry it throughout my day. Through meditation you can feel absolute bliss but this takes time.

When I first did it, it was incredibly uncomfortable. I was not in a good place at the time with many anxious and depressive thoughts, low self esteem and one thousand limiting beliefs. When I closed my eyes I felt like my head was spinning and I physically could not keep my pupils still. Yoga nidra ended up being my gateway and I highly recommend it to anyone who feels that they can’t get a grip on sitting in silence with themselves at first. Just try not to fall asleep!

My journey inward has been so magical. From dark nights of the soul, where I was at my lowest to seeing the beauty in that struggle and being so unequivocally grateful that all of that happen to allow space for all the good and greatness in my life and for all the lessens that followed. Everyone you meet is a teacher, even yourself. Pay attention to those brought into your life as they are here for a reason. See what you can learn from them and notice that you give something back.

Everything thought I have is a metaphor for human life, for I can relate to every painting, every song, every tree, every animal and every sunrise at some time or another. A song that I may have disliked as a teenager now matches the delicate rhythms of my emotions. Some trees teach me to let go, just as they let go of their leaves each Autumn. Others, teach me to hold on. I often think in metaphors and poetry when I am present in beautiful surroundings, whether that’s in the woods or at home with my headphones on.

I don’t crave to go into my day job and confirm bacteria every day but I do it because I believe that I am where I need to be right now. It’s not my dream to buy a house but it’s my partners and I want to support his dreams as much as he supports mine. I do really want to buy a house though, it’s just not top on my list. However, buying one will open more opportunities for me. I’d be able to finally create a space I love and then save up some money to go travelling. My heart wants me to travel and capture my experiences through writing, photography and video. Just writing about it excites me! That is how you know what your dreams are.

Be grateful, be present, connect with people, realise that you are limitless, see the beauty in the struggle and follow your hearts desire. For these are components for a happy fulfilling life. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Lifestyle

I’m writing a book

Hi all, it’s been a while since I last wrote anything on this blog. I was trying to do a photo challenge but it felt too forced and so I wasn’t able to do it for very long. I love to be authentic and this just didn’t feel that way.

I’ve been through a lot of changes in my twenties. Recently, my life has improved greatly and I am so happy and want to share what I have been through, just because I believe I have a story worth telling.

I have no end date for it as I constantly find more things to add to it! It will be an ebook as I don’t have the funds to publish it and I would much rather do it independently anyway.

I have written about this in the past somewhere on here but for some reason I feel the need to update this website and give you a little update as to what is going on with me.

Everyday I am seeing positive change. I am living in the present, I am meditating and I am seeing the beauty in the struggle. My health has improved so much since going gluten free and this mental clarity has helped me ascend even faster than I was. I am so grateful for everything that I have been to in order to get to where I am today. Life has been beautiful recently and I am super happy! I have off days still but I listen to them and learn from them.

Thanks to those who are still following my blog despite the few posts recently.

I have, however, been posting regularly on my Youtube channel, Sarahnity, and I regularly post on my Instagram @sarahnityxo also.

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Challenges · Lifestyle · Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture · Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture Challenge

Shake It Like A Polaroid Picture Challenge // August 2017

Hi all! This is the third month where I attempt to take a decent picture with my Instax polaroid camera! The hardest part is remembering to take my camera out, which I again failed at miserably. I visited a beautiful waterfall in the Peak District, which was amazing so I was pretty gutted that I had forgotten my polaroid camera. I did, however, take another camera so if you want to see pictures of that then feel free to visit my Instagram, link to the right.

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The photo is kind of dark. I’m still learning here! Well, this month I have been painting. I don’t have talent, as you can see, so I tend to stick with abstract art, but I do really love to do it. I find that it is a good way to get my emotions out as it taps into my intuition and I just paint what I feel. So the top image is a figure lying in a sea of greens and blues and it is protected by light. You can’t see the little guy clearly but he’s got a cute smiley face. I called it ‘safety’. The second piece is up for interpretation. I covered it with some petals from my flowers before taking this photo. Some may interpret it as butt holes. Yes, it has happened. I put another meaning on it and called it ‘woman,’  as I painted it at a particular time of the month. Take what you want from it.

Thanks all,

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Lifestyle · My Health Story

How Going Gluten Free Cured Me And Why I Took My Health Into My Own Hands

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Disclaimer: Just briefly I want to write a little disclaimer because I have self diagnosed myself with a gluten intolerance. I know that self diagnosis can be dangerous so I want to put it out there and tell you to take my story with a pinch of salt. If you are not well you should always go to a doctor first. You will soon see why I decided to go gluten free on my own, after many failed doctor visits. I am not discrediting doctors at all, I just believe that if they do not help and you are suffering, that you should recognise that you are responsible for your own health and you do not have to victimise yourself or put the ball in their court.

This is going to be a very long story but I am compelled to share it to explain why I have made the decision to become gluten free but also to help others who may need it…

For most of my life I have had something wrong with my body. I had stomach aches growing up – in the cinema, at a friends house and at night are a few occasions that I recall. I assumed that I was just someone who suffered with them. I also had a lot of headaches as a teenager and felt tired a lot. I just had many different things wrong with me that seemed to be all separate from each other and over the years they got increasingly worse. This year I have discovered that they were all caused by gluten.

A couple of years prior to moving out, when I first started college, I started getting sick. I would go to college and barely eat anything until at least 3pm , because I just felt this gnarly sick feeling in my stomach. A couple of months later, I was sat on the chair in a ball on Christmas Day, refusing to eat Christmas dinner. I was eighteen at the time but it had taken a couple of months for me to tell my mother, who told me I needed to get to the doctors as it sounded like an acid issue. I was diagnosed with acid reflux and was given PPIs to treat it, drugs that I would take for a few more years. Despite taking these drugs I still had issues. I also found out that ibuprofen was a potential cause of acid reflux and I was suffering from chronic headaches and ibuprofen were the only drugs that helped. I had experienced regular stomach aches from a very young age and since moving out I had more stomach upsets than was normal.

Also at college, I became anxious over why I felt so weak and out of breath a lot and discovered that I had an iron deficiency. I started to feel more aware of my body at this time. In fact, I started to believe that I had had this issue for years but I believed it was just normal to feel that way. I was put on iron tablets that really upset my stomach but I felt like I had to put up with them.

As I mentioned earlier, I suffered from chronic headaches. I remember having my first one when I was about 12 and being given half an ibuprofen to help. I was crying over it. From about the age of 16, I began to get headaches regularly and it was extremely rare for me to go a week without having one or two and even then that was a good week. I went to see a doctor about this issue and she asked me if I paid for prescriptions, to which I answered no, then gave me a prescription for 100 co-codamol tablets. After taking  one when I next had a headache, it remained and with it came nausea, drowsiness and I felt very groggy. It was not nice, although I soon developed migraines  to which I took them as they were the only thing that helped. I would rather feel like that with lessened pain and fall asleep easily than suffer the symptoms of one of those attacks. Again, I thought I was just someone who suffered with many headaches and occasional migraines.

I left college and started straight away in a full time job. However, it was more than full time. I was overworked and could never catch up on sleep. A 50-60 hour week in four days was becoming the norm and my mind and body struggled. That is when my menstrual cycle started to mess up big time and I experienced a lot of brain fog, dizziness, exhaustion and anxiety. Back I went to the doctors for more iron tablets and I took a few days off work to recover. I went back feeling a little better, but I was very aware that redundancy was looming and the place I worked would soon be closing down.

I moved into a house share after my roommate moved out and I was becoming jobless anyway so I really needed an affordable place to live. I began having a lot more more anxiety soon after moving and I sought help from the NHS, which did not help an awful lot. I was probably suffering from adrenal fatigue or something similar too and my acid reflux was still a problem and all of these symptoms worried me and gave me anxiety. I would often wake up in the night and take Gaviscon in order to be able to go back to sleep. I used to worry what these drugs were doing to my body. I went back to the doctors and agreed to have a gastroscopy, which meant that a camera was to be inserted down my throat and into my stomach to see what was going on in there. As nervous as it made me, I felt it was time. My heart was pounding as the nurse gave me the throat spray and a sedative and then immediately afterwards they begun to insert the tube. I had imagined that the sedative would relax me but I assume the adrenaline was too much and it did not make me feel drowsy or calm until later on. I panicked and apparently, although I do not remember this as the sedative did make me feel drunk, I pulled the tube out. They offered me to go back but I said no. I felt relieved. I decided to come off the medication permanently and try and fix the issue myself. I tried many different things but changing my diet to a healthier one with less of the foods that triggered me helped the most. I also bought a wedge pillow to sleep on at night so I am elevated and it worked as I rarely wake up with acid reflux now. At the time, I was still experiencing it quite often but I had heard of the long term effects of PPIs and I did not want any more medical intervention.

My health got a lot worse when my menstrual cycle became increasingly insufferable. I had never felt pain as severe in my entire life and I had to deal with migraines, which were awful. My cycle started to become irregular and shorter, occurring every three weeks at times, but no more than four weeks. The pain was so severe that pain medication barely touched it. I could not stand up straight for up to two days. At first, I believed it was entirely due to stress. It felt as if the pain was inside my bowels and something was tearing my insides up. The bloating, soreness and fatigue that followed after an episode was bad too but I still made myself go into work on these days – I had a new job by then. Sometimes I was lucky and got it on my weekend and on others, I would have no choice but to phone in sick or get to do a job sitting down, which there were few. The pain was sometimes constant and sometimes it came in waves. When the latter happened I curled myself in a tense ball, unable to move or speak and I had to really force myself to breathe. When it lessened I would reach for the remote control and put something light hearted on the TV to try and take my mind off it. Hot water bottles and F.R.I.E.N.D.S became a source of comfort for me. Every month I would head off to see a doctor or nurse. I was getting so fed up with this and I felt like I was not being listened to. I wanted scans not drugs. I wanted to get to the root cause of what I believed was endometriosis, even though I was terrified that I would need to be operated on. I was more terrified that I would have to spend my life in this condition. The doctor gave me special anti-inflammatory drugs that reduced clotting, despite me saying I could not take them due to acid reflux. Still, I tried and they did indeed fail me and made my stomach upset for days. I was constantly being told to take the contraceptive pill and each time I refused because I had experienced bad side effects on it. Eventually, as the pain became worse and my tolerance for it became less, I reluctantly agreed to take one that did not contain any oestrogen. Although the pain decreased after several different ones, the other effects were evident and I was becoming further and further detached from who I was. I started to feel like a different person. I found it incredibly hard to feel happy and I never once experienced excitement for over a year. It was as if I was not able to on it. After a year or so, I had enough and stopped my prescription. A few weeks of dreaded hormonal changes occurred but almost instantly I began to feel more clarity and I felt like me again.

Whilst all of this was happening, I was also suffering with bladder issues. Daily pain and discomfort happened for years. Chronic cystitis is something that I believed that I had, but yet again I was not diagnosed with anything. Every time it got bad and I had a flare up, as I called it, I went to the doctors who tested me for a UTI, which came back negative in the office. So they would send me away with a prescription for antibiotics, which gave me more stomach complaints. They would send my urine off to be cultured, which always came back negative or inconclusive – having too many large particles or blood in it. Every time I went the same thing happened until eventually I did not want to take antibiotics as I was sure it was not an infection. So I was naughty and did not take them this one time and guess what? The symptoms reduced on their own. The doctors did not want to do any tests claiming that I was just suffering from UTIs and I stopped going to them about that issue and started researching for myself.

I was still experiencing random stomach issues. One day I woke up in the night in the most severe stomach pain. It was the worst pain that I had ever felt. My body started to sweat profusely and I could not stay still or cool down so I went outside. It was winter thankfully. I took some Gaviscon to see if it would help but threw them up. It felt as if my stomach lining was inflamed and something was just not right. I got Carl to drive me to the hospital but once I arrived I felt the pain lessen. We sat outside in the car in the early hours of the morning to see if it would go down. As I was feeling signs of  it improving, I got him to drive me home. I had been in A&E before and if I was going to feel better on my own I did not want to experience that again. The next day my stomach was so sore and I made a doctor’s appointment. Again, I received a course of PPIs, which I took despite thinking that I had just a freak episode. However, I knew in my gut (no pun intended) that something was just not right with me.

My symptoms were piling up and I was worried that they were just going to get worse. I remember going around IKEA on my birthday one year and being in a tremendous amount of pain but it was my birthday and my partner was going to buy me some drawers that I wanted and so off we went! Every single bump on the road was uncomfortable and once we arrived, I spent the whole time bent over, walking like someone in labour. Once we got home, I bathed and spent the rest of the day and the next day in bed, with a hot water bottle. I was so incredibly sore and gutted that this was what my life was coming to. The day before, Carl and I had gone to visit, and eat dinner, with two of my closest friends who lived away for university. We ate at Zizzis and I had a pizza. I remember my stomach not feeling to great afterwards but it was not terrible at the time. That day, after visiting IKEA,  I started to wonder if there was a connection between my diet and the pain of menstruation. I researched and found out that meat, dairy and gluten can be a cause of inflammation. I rarely ate meat anyway so going vegetarian was a simple decision. I had always hated the meat industry but it took something like this for me to look into it more. A few months later of doing research into whether it would benefit my health and finding out a lot about how cruel the dairy and egg industries were, I decided to go vegan.

A few months in of taking the pill and being vegan I was feeling better and decided to quit the pill to see if I still needed to take it for the pain. The first month in, I experienced less pain, but it was still there and it still was not nice. I had started doing yoga to help with the stress I was feeling and I also started to look more into a gluten free diet. I found out that many people who had endometriosis had decreased symptoms when they took on this diet. I decided to at least try it. After a few days I felt better in myself. The bowel and period pain that I had suffered with disappeared. I could not believe it. However, I was still consuming some gluten – a few cakes now and again  and sometimes some bread. I was not being strict. I was still experiencing acid reflux and a few other symptoms. I read up on elimination diets and I knew I had to give gluten up completely and then reintroduce it in order to see if I was intolerant/sensitive to it, especially as I thought maybe there was another reason why I was feeling better, such as stress management. Although, I think that the decrease in symptoms really allowed me to feel stressed less. In the weeks to come I felt a lot better and I found out that there was a possibility that I had Coeliac Disease. I did some research into this and found out that I had experienced a lot of the symptoms which had gone away once I stopped consuming gluten. I had these ulcers on the bottom of my tongue that flared up every month and stayed for days and the headaches, migraines, dizziness, brain fog, anxiety, tiredness, iron deficiencies, stomach issues, bladder issues, menstruation issues and more were all possible symptoms. Gluten can also cause these issues if you are sensitive to it (non-coeliac gluten sensitivity – something many people do not think exists). I was feeling ill less and less and I wanted to be tested to see if I had this condition, as it requires you to be very diligent because gluten is very harmful if you suffer from the disease. I looked into getting tested for , however, first you need to be consuming gluten regularly for several weeks and then you need to have a blood test to see if you have certain antibodies in your blood and if you do then you have a 10% (I think) chance of having the disease so then you need to have a biopsy which is done via a gastroscopy (eek).

I tried incorporating gluten back into my diet after a few weeks of not eating much of it and I became ill again. I ended up taking a day off work. I just felt like I could not do it anymore. So I gave it up completely, not realising that I still was not being as diligent as I could be – traces and contamination were potential issues. For a couple of months I thought about reintroducing it again because I did not want to tell people without having an official diagnosis. I tried to reintroduce it again but the same thing happened. I had to face the fact that I was gluten intolerant. I knew my body and I knew what it had been through. I did not want to be sick again and I read that once you have given it up for a few months, you can in fact become increasingly sensitive to it, so I just cannot take that risk. I also did not want it to take over the amazing quality of life that I have recently been experiencing. I have time for other interests now that my health is not taking over my life. I do not want to take any more days off work because of it either – the days I took off with stomach issues, feeling incredibly sick, migraines, bladder ‘infections’ and even dizziness could all have been prevented. Rarely did I have a day off because I had a virus, it was usually something else. I also do not want to spend any more days at work feeling ill, pretending that I am okay, as I do not like the attention, wishing to be home. I am done. I am gluten free for good and I will not look back anymore. I want to take care of my health and allowing myself to heal is all that matters now.

If you are sick, your body is trying to tell you something. Do not ignore it and seek help and if that does not help, do your own research. It does not make you a hypochondriac if you Google your symptoms. I was doing this weekly. You are responsible for your own health. I am going to the doctors to discuss my discovery, in case you were wondering, but I will not be having any tests as I do not want to damage my body anymore.

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journal · Lifestyle

Suicide: A Symptom Of Depression? & My Experience // Journal Entry #4

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I’m here as writing is a way to process my thoughts and put them into something that makes sense. It gets them out of my head and it almost solidifies them so they are just floating around waiting to be really listened to. This is how I listen.

I’ve been thinking a lot since the second suicide from a great musician who I have admired. Chris Cornell’s death was both shocking and heartbreaking and here we are going through the same thing with Chester Bennington. I spend a lot of my years listening to Soundgarden and Linkin Park, so when both events struck I eventually ended up playing my favourites of them. Most of the time I enjoy songs with meaningful lyrics and I always pay attention to what they are saying but after something like this happens, I listen extra hard. The music sounds even better than I remember when I truly appreciate it. I think I will try my hardest to listen closer when I listen to any song.

As humans, we have this deep need to understand what is going on in someone’s mind when they decide to end their life. Some of us have experienced depression and have an idea of what those thoughts and feelings might be like but many of us can’t imagine it and it becomes something that we either bash saying that they were selfish or something else that just insults everyone who has been through mental illness. Nonetheless, no one knows what anyone’s thoughts and feelings are when they commit suicide. The voice in their head that told them to do it was not yours.

When I hear people around me talking about the cause of their deaths as depression, I close up. I put up a wall and try to ignore what they are saying. I do not want to discuss something so personal and deep with people who I have never been close to. I do not even want to discuss it with people I am relatively close to. The only person I am comfortable enough to discuss it with is my partner, and then I still find it incredibly hard. To most people, I shut off this part of myself. Online, somehow, is different.

In my head right now, depression seems like a distant memory. In reality, it happened to me pretty recently and on several occasions. The most recent one was probably the longest period that just seemed to never go away. I did a lot of considering before I could even think that I was depressed. For me, depression was the start of a spiritual awakening. I’m not enlightened, but I am awake, for those know what I mean. I went through some really hard times where I would spend the day crying, in bed. Every morning I would wake up and check to see if I was still depressed. I had some horrible thoughts about life. I did not think that it was worth living because of all the suffering that we have to endure. Most of the time, I wished that I did not exist. Despite all of these reoccurring negative thoughts, I never once thought that I would kill myself. I sometimes imagined it but it was always so horrific that I could separate myself from those thoughts and not act on them quite easily.

When I came out of my depression, it was as if the depression was my wake up call. It happened a lot quicker than I thought and I began to recognise how the depression was magnifying my negative thoughts and attracting more just like them. At the time, they felt very true. My mindset began to shift, as I wrote in Journal Entry #2. I grew so much after that experience and I do not wish that it did not happen. Once my mindset began to become more positive, I attracted more positivity into my life. I began to wake up every morning and see great possibilities and life excited me. Life excites me.

Some people just do not get it. What is to gain from suicide? It is the ultimate end to a temporary problem. Depression makes you think that it will last forever and it tricks you into thinking life is just going to get worse. What I am trying to say is that depression is an illness and suicide is a symptom of that illness. If you have never experienced that illness how can you possibly judge so harshly?

Lifestyle

What I’ve Been Up To

I felt compelled to write so here’s some things that I’ve been up to recently.

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Jersey

I had the most wonderful week away in Jersey, which is a Channel Island. My Dad recommended it to us and we weren’t really sure what to expect. It turns out that this little island is an absolute gem. There is so much to do and it was absolutely beautiful! The beaches are pristine, the ocean is a wonderful colour and everywhere was so pretty. I can’t wait to go back and do the things we didn’t get chance to do. My favourite things were the beaches and the botanical gardens.

Yoga

I have not been able to get enough of yoga recently. Sun salutations have become so pleasurable! When I got back from holiday I attended two yoga classes that week because I had another week off work. The three classes I’ve been to recently have been outside in a garden and, if you don’t already know from my Instagram account, I absolutely adore nature. I mean, how can you not? I feel so connected to the earth when doing yoga outside. We have been doing some heat building postures, which I have loved. They make me feel great! I also had to buy a new yoga mat for home and since it has come I have been doing more yoga at home. The more I do, the better I feel so that in itself is really encouraging. I am going again tomorrow morning!

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Belton House & Grounds

If you live in or near Lincolnshire and haven’t been here I recommend that you do. I’d say the only downside is the cost, but if you’re a National Trust member I think you can go for free. I really need to get a membership! I haven’t been in the house in years but the grounds are extensive. There’s neatly pruned gardens and some more wild areas (guess which area I prefer). There’s also a boating lake, which is home to many geese! It’s a really nice place to spend a Sunday afternoon, although in the summer it can get a little too busy. I find myself enjoying it more when there are less people about.

Projects

I do like to have a couple of projects on the go. I’ve started doing a social media management course that I’m finding really interesting. I’m also, slowly, writing a book. My book is about how I’ve come to the place I am at now and there’s some things that have been happening recently that I’ve wanted to put in it so it’s still a continuous thing. I am really enjoying writing it but I am struggling a little with consistency but I am pretty lucky to have my sister, a literature student, editing it for me. It’s a big help and I don’t think I could do it so well without her. The final project, which you will see in a few days, is one I’ve just started this month. My partner got me an Instax (polaroid) camera. We had fun taking photos on holiday with it. I have decided to take one decent photo a month on it, to represent that month for me. So this month is obviously going to be a holiday snap. I’m also hoping it will get me out more. I have always liked photography but with me taking lots of photos for my Instagram account, my love for the hobby has increased!

Thanks for reading,

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journal · Lifestyle

Living In This Crazy, Crazy World // My Journal #1

I have been having a lot of random thoughts and I find it hard to bring them all together but here I am trying.

Society is the collective of those are living and those who lived before us, setting out guidelines and setting out standards of how we should live or however you see it. It can be a gift, a disaster or, for most of us, somewhere in between.

When I logged onto my computer this morning, I saw hate and negativity everywhere. I couldn’t even twist a tiny bit of it into something positive. It made me think a lot about how society works and how we are so influenced. How where we live, where we are from, our gender, sex, income, beliefs and opinions separate us all, but our building blocks, humanity and how we are all part of this crazy, crazy world make us all the same

Opinions are what drives our differences. An opinion that associates a particular group of people with negativity, only drives more negativity. It also drives more opposition. Hate literally breeds hate – it’s positive feedback in anthropogenic form. I can see how it happens, clearly, and that’s what worries me the most. How do I even come to terms with reality when it literally is creating a storm? I am having a hard time accepting it.

I searched for hope, for others with the opinions of mine and felt saved when I found many. It’s so understandable why people turn to hate. Fear is at the base of it all. Ultimately all of these negative bases drive more negativity, more division and more hatred. I am blessed to be living this life that I have. Although, I am exposed to the Internet, where I see a lot of negativity, I can make this connection and I can see that I live a life full of privilege. I can chose to be positive as it is a choice. I can switch off my computer, go outside and feel the air on my face, the sun through my eyes and the sounds of the birds. I can do what makes me feel alive. I can inspire others to see the light and to not feed the hate. That’s all and it’s not enough, but maybe it is for today.

I’ve never felt like a part of society and wanted to run away from it, but I have realised that we are all part of it. Every single person on this planet plays their part in it. So I can’t blame it for anything. However, I’d like to remain on the edge of it, with my far ‘leftist’ views. I hate that word. What’s worse is that I deeply believe that everyone has the right to their own opinion, even if I despise it. It physically taunts me to hear the opinions of other people who think the complete opposite to me, even though I understand that everyone is different and it wouldn’t work if we were all the same and so on. Blah blah blah. Seeing both sides makes it harder.

To save my self from a mental breakdown, I am going to completely switch off from other people’s opinions today, do some yoga, breathe in some fresh air and be present in myself. I’m so sensitive that I need some time to process as writing can only do so much for me right now.

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S/N: Have you ever experienced this? When something awful happens and you are just sat by yourself and everything is so peaceful because it’s over and it’s just you and nothing can change that.

Lifestyle

Writing Comes Easier Than Talking // So I Write

This blog represents me – scattered, authentic, passionate, compassionate, and spontaneous. I have many passions, many feelings and many thoughts that I want to share, which is why this blog is the way it is. It isn’t professional or direct. It’s raw, honest and vulnerable.

As someone who has a desire to write, this blog and my Instagram account fulfills that desire.  I’m not sure if it is the same for all writers.  I find myself jumbling over speech. I have thoughts that are clear but when I try to speak them I struggle. I’m not incapable, I just feel that there is a translation error from thought to voice. Words come out easily, but they don’t often convey what I’m trying to say. Writing feels more like my primary form of communication. There’s no need for me to spend time thinking, like I do when I am talking. I often find that many people respond quickly in a conversation and I feel that when I type it comes out in that same manner. Text is clearer and more to the point and conveys exactly what I mean. There’s no stumbling or long pauses and I don’t have to say, ‘I’m sorry I’m not very good at explaining things,’ or, ‘you know what I mean,’ or any related phrases.

With writing, you can reach more people, especially now with the Internet. The voiceless now have a powerful voice that can inspire, influence and guide others. 

If you feel the same, I encourage you to write. You have a gift to share with the world. 

…and that is why I write. 

Lifestyle · Opinion · vegan

How The Manchester Bombing Made Me Realise That Humanity Will Never Be Vegan, So What’s The Point In Trying?

Disclaimer: I want to address this matter as sensitively as I can. I do not want to take the thoughts off those that were killed, injured and traumatised. Therefore, I ask if you will read what I have to say with an open heart. I am not using this to push my beliefs on others. I only want to inspire a better world. 

Humanity works on a spectrum. There are those who are the tallest and the shortest and  those who are the strongest and the weakest. Therefore, there are also those that are good and bad to the extremes. This week something horrific happened in Britain. ISIS took responsibility for another terrorist attack in the UK. The horror is unimaginable and I couldn’t help putting myself there, in the crowds. I was the dying woman, being comforted by the homeless man, the child who had no legs and the running teenagers trying to find their parents.

It’s hard for me, as a pacifist, to see why anyone would justify murder. I can agree that many would think that I am an extremist on the left hand side of the political spectrum. It’s physically sewn into me to have a deep opposition to violence of any kind. I was born with a sensitive essence and a single bout of violence or conflict makes me feel physically ill. I feel sick, shake, cry and feel all kinds of negative emotions and physical sensations. That’s how I can see that there are people who have the opposite effect, or are unable to care. I am physically forced to care. There are no boundaries to protect me other than avoidance. All I can do about it is mediate and promote peace.

As a Brit, I am pretty clueless to why terrorists are attacking the western world. I’ve heard so many different opinions online and off but I still don’t understand it fully. I’m only admitting this because I believe there is no way any of us, who is not a member of ISIS or considering it, really will ever understand. To us, it is ludicrous to even consider the thoughts inside these peoples heads, that justifies what they are doing. Our culture is the only way most of us have ever lived and so we are going to be biased towards it and we are going to want to protect it. It’s hard for us to see why would anyone want to destroy our way of living.

Although the solidarity was incredibly moving and probably one of the only good things to come out of the attacks, the worst thing that came after was the racism. All I can see behind these racist comments are close minded and uneducated people, who are scared. They want us to ban Muslims from entering the country and many want us to bomb the terrorists. This just can’t be done. They are all over the world, in this country and in many others. There is no way that we can even find out who they all are, never mind kill them all, especially without innocent people being killed. If you lived in a village where there were crazy gunmen running free, would you think that it would be justified to bomb the entire village to kill them all, including all of the innocent people who have there doors locked in fear. What if one of those innocent people was you? I can’t see how that is ever justified. It is murder. I would hope that most people would understand how unethical that would be.

It’s apparent to some of us, but not all of us, that Islam is not the problem but the extremists themselves are. Just as I said earlier, many things in life are on a spectrum. I want to promote peace, they don’t. It’s simple, yet complicated. If Islam was the problem, we would be having far worse issues than we are today. The problem lies within humanity. There have been many who have fought for land, power and weapons over greed, selfishness and religion for all of our existence. It’s not something new. Correct me if I’m wrong, as I am not exactly well versed in the religion. I’ve heard it’s contradictory and I’m pretty sure that ISIS is getting a lot out of bombing us and I can believe that they are doing it in order to gain more popularity as more and more people hate on Muslims.

We still have a lot of growing to do in this country. However, let’s not forget that we have already grown as a collective in so many ways. In this country women politically have the same rights as men. Change will continue to happen if we work on it. Our ideologies have changed. When something like this happens, people act and speak out of fear. It’s natural to do this. However, the fear from the initial problem creates more problems, as we start to see our own protection as the most important thing. We don’t think about those who live in war zones right now, whose lives have been completely ruined by ISIS. We want freedom from terror but the way we think we should go about it will not always create that freedom that we want. How is it freeing to export innocent Muslims, who are conscious people just like you and I, into a place governed by evil, a place full of poverty and war? How is it freeing to bomb countries and risk killing thousands of innocent people, just like you and I?

I can already feel people hitting me over the head. I know the world isn’t black and white and I know that in my life time I will never see a perfect world, or one that’s perfect to me, but what’s so wrong with working towards positive change? What’s wrong with giving a damn? Ever heard the saying, ‘be the change you want to see in the world?’ Change starts from an individuals desire to make the world they perceive a better place for as many as possible.

If you aren’t vegan, you probably still know that vegans want a vegan world, where no animal will experience violence at the hand of a human, even though most of us know that this will never happen.  The reasons why it won’t happen are so clear to me today. Even after all the centuries that have passed, people are still being hurt and killed by our own kind. Right now, there is no way that I can believe that humans will all stop doing the same to animals.

Killing animals and using them for the greed of human kind is violence, whatever way you look at it. Most people just accept it as just something that has to be done. You might think that vegans aren’t making a difference but as populations increase we will eventually run out of time to fix the issues that are inevitable. We are just trying to make the world a little better.

As a rule, humans generally follow each other, which creates our society. The more humans promote peace, for humanity and the way we treat other species, the better. The more people promoted women’s rights, the closer it got to us actually receiving them. Please be on the side of good, always, and please promote peace, always.

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