I was going to call this how I feel about dying but that’s not what this post is about. It’s about living. You know that feeling when you have all these thoughts that need putting into words. Well my mind is getting more and more crowded by the hour and I really need to write them down.
Maturity – nobody wants to grow old, so why am I happier now I am older? Life experiences perhaps? Maybe more freedom? More self discovery?
I am 24 years old. The past year I have learnt more about myself and I am beginning to see life in a brighter light. Earlier this year I was introduced to Eckhart Tolle. This man would be the only man I’d worship and I would never had thought that I would watch videos of a spiritual teacher. He showed me that the only way to live is in the moment. He only needs to say a few words and I am at peace.
I discovered a lot about myself. I am an INFP, according to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, and I have been able to find out why I am the way I am and why I feel the way I feel and that others are like this too and that is okay. My physical health has improved (well all except my stomach but I’ll save that for another time), my diet has improved, I have a shift that allows me to have more days off work in the year than days on, I earn more money and there is nothing I love more than my little family consisting of my partner and my dog.
All these things have made me happier. However, the sudden rush of thoughts about life have come from a realisation that I do not want to die. I’ve never wanted to. It may sound silly but I saw a mole on my shoulder a couple of nights ago and it scared me. It was definitely atypical. Melanoma, I thought. The big scary c word everyone is afraid of. I researched, looked at the mole and researched some more. I’m too young to die was the only thing I could think. It was Thursday night and it’s now Saturday and I’ve been working and unable to go to the doctors yet [edit – it was nothing]. I’ve since calmed down. Worrying won’t help the situation. If it is melanoma then I do not want to spend my life unhappy. If it isn’t then I still don’t want to spend the rest of my life unhappy.
I get in moods where I am grumpy for no real reason and I feel unhappy. Life’s too short to feel unhappy just because nothing is making me happy right now. I am the only person who can truly make me happy. Now I can’t stop thinking about how truly amazing life is.
So if this is what ageing is, then I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying about it. I want to live to the fullest and fully accept that there is nothing I can do to stop getting older. For it just brings more self acceptance and what is so wrong with that?